IVF story that will make you believe in miracles

The happiest day of my life – an IVF story that will make you believe in miracles

It is the day that I will remember till the end of my life.

The happiest day of my life, the day when my golden boy was born. It was a perfect summer day. A morning covered in blooming sun rays and fresh summer breeze. I haven’t felt any pain, so it was all shiny and exciting for me. We had a scheduled Cesarean delivery, due to a breach position of the baby and lack of amniotic fluid. I remember fear lingering behind the excitement. This was going to be the happiest day of my life.

Being a bit of a control freak, I tried to keep myself informed. I watched a bunch of c-sections on youtube, asked the oddest questions to my doctor, read as many articles as I could.

It all helped to conquer the panic, but the fear remained.

It has been a long way

We spent almost seven years trying to conceive him – our perfect shiny boy. It has been a long way, filled with hope, pain, sadness, anger and ultimate happiness. I suppose, every miracle takes time to be made.

This was our second IVF. The first one went wrong. There was a complication, due to a hyper-stimulation of my ovaries, that ended with an internal bleeding, endangering my life. Yet, the very first question I asked my frightened doctor was: “ When can we try again?”.

I have been brave and pretty much at peace with how everything went, but the disappointment after the pregnancy test got me unprepared. Somehow, I convinced myself that the complication meant something. Something like: “I paid the price to get pregnant”. I was sure that God made me go through it all for a reason.

The negative test was a blow. A blow with the strength of a tornado – to be more precise. It throw me to the bottom where I cried, yelled and screamed at God till I finally got tired and started to pray and forgave myself and God.

A recovery plan

The longing for a baby in my womb and little hands around my neck kept growing and growing like a giant sun – warming me and giving me hope and life from the inside. So I rise up, like a sunrise. I knew now that my body needed recovery, and my soul even more. So, I decided to give them time to heal.

This meant a healthy diet – diet with no sugar and a lot of proteins.

My recovery plan was consisted of yoga and meditation practice twice a week, and fitness workout and going to the pool at least once a week. It also contained a lot of reading and going on long walks with only my thoughts and some nice music.

I gave myself a year to cure my heart from the sadness it sank in. At the end of that year, my husband and I went on a two-week vacation in Spain and Portugal to rebuild our fate that we can be parents. To devote some time to our love and nothing more. We came back stronger and happier, ready for our second IVF.

A second try

Everything went smoothly, the second round of IVF. There were no problems with the hormone injections. My body took it easy. The hardest part was the waiting. After the implantation of the embryos you have to stay in bed for two weeks, you can only walk to the bathroom. That’s when I formed a really deep and strong connection with Netflix.

This second time, I knew that I am not supposed to let the whole IVF situation consume me. I was present in the moment, with no thoughts about the future, and the outcome. “Just, take it as it is!” – the sound voice in my head kept repeating.

The peace in my heart allowed me to be in peace with God and whatever he has decided to be our fate. During the first IVF try, I realized that there is absolutely nothing more that I can do and that my body has limits that are to be respected.

The breakthrough

After the implantation of the embryos, I had a roommate at the hospital room.

That young mother-to-be, helped me find another perspective. She made me realize how I have paved my way to depression the first time.

She was me, one year ago. Ready, positive, and assured that she will leave that room pregnant with a big smile on her face.

Seeing her holding her hands on her womb, like as if there is already a baby to protect, made me realize that my expectations were so high that there was no room for anything else but a positive outcome in my heart. And that made me vulnerable.

I have identified myself with the wish to become a mother so much that there was no space for me anymore.

That’s when it all got crystal clear for me. I was there to try to conceive with the help of IVF, and there were two possible outcomes: a positive or a negative one. And that was good. It meant that either I would become a mother and be the happiest woman there is on Earth, or I won’t become a mother, and I will continue to give it a try, until I am at peace with the fact that I can be something else, and still be happy and content with myself.

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The pregnancy test

Two weeks of rest were over and so came the day for the pregnancy test.

During the first try of IVF I was so afraid of that day. Every step I took to the hospital, felt as a step closer to hell. I guess my heart knew the outcome, that’s where that fear came from.

This second time, I was at peace, celebrating the escape of the prison-bed.

My doctor waited for me at the hall, to give us support when the nurse will bring the results.

And there she was, walking down towards us. I kept looking at her to catch her facial expression.

She looked tired and overwhelmed, so I thought it’s a negative one. But then, she saw me looking at her, and she smiled. That smile told me everything. I ran in her arms, hugging her and smiling like a crazy fool, before she was even able to utter a word.

The time has come for us to be parents. We were both trembling from excitement when we fell in each others arms. We kept smiling and laughing like lunatics. I remember the doctor saying: “Finally, I can see him smile.” Referring to my husband, cause he was so worried the whole time. After all, he was the one to catch me in his arms when I fainted and collapsed during the first IVF try. He still says that it was the scariest moment in his life.

My pregnancy went perfectly well, no sickness, no weird hormone outbursts, just happiness and growing.

Preparing for the big day

Fast forward to the delivery day – my c-section was scheduled for that morning.

I woke up, took a shower and got myself prepared for what was coming next. The previous day we went for the usual control check-up. The doctor looked at me with concern, explaining that we might need to deliver the baby as soon as possible. Our baby was in distress. He wanted to deliver it immediately.

I got scared. After a half an hour he did another check up and since the heartbeat was normal, he agreed that it is safe to schedule the delivery for the next morning.

I woke up quite early, so I got the time to just relax and prepare myself to finally meet my baby boy. Before going to the hospital I wrote this letter to him:

“My little one, today is the most beautiful day of our new life.
Today, we will finally meet, smell and touch each other for the very first time.
I will finally get to hold you on my chest, touch your little hands, caress your perfect face, kiss your soft hair.
This will be the day when your little hand will grab my heart and it will never let it go.
These are my promises to you: I swear to God that I will love you the most, I will always be forgiving for all the craziness you will think of, for every mistake. I promise you to be always there for you, to guide you through life the best I can and to protect you forever.
You are my everything. ”

The day when you were born

We got to the hospital, where they prepared me and took me to the delivery room.

After the anesthetic injection to my spine, I laid down on the operational table feeling a little dizzy from fear and excitement. The nurses noticed the change in my heart beat so they started to chat with me in order to distract me.

I asked the doctor if it is possible to guide me through the process, explaining every step so that I will know what’s going on. His approval made me calm. He told me that I would feel an emptiness in my womb since he is now taking out my boy. And so it was, a strange feeling of relief and sudden emptiness.

I tried to raise myself up, in order to see him. I remember that it all felt like a dream. Suddenly, there were no voices anymore, bot the sound of my heart racing as a galloping horse.

I saw the doctor holding a bundle and my eyes kept following him, trying to catch a glimpse. The loud scream brought me back to reality. And there was a tiny pink leg sticking out of the bundle.

The ultimate happiness

The happiness overwhelmed me, my whole body started to tremble, and I was trying to catch a breath, crying tears of joy, and laughing at the same time. Somehow I managed to call his name for the first time. It felt, as though, I came back to life calling his name. And than I saw him for the very first time. Shiny and beautiful like the sun, eyes round like olives, skin white as the moon and a beautiful tiny mouth as red as a pomegranate cut in half.

I kept crying with tears of joy, repeating: “ Oh my God he is so beautiful, thank you God”.

The loud laughing of the nurses and the doctors reminded me that I am still here on Earth, although I was sure I was in heaven. I asked to hold him and to touch him so that I can be sure that this is not a dream. When they placed him on my chest, he stopped crying at the very same moment, and the warmth I felt made me brighter and softer and stronger than life itself. It was the happiest day of my life. It still is. I am still thanking God every night for his blessing of having my son and for making me feel complete.

Author:
Daniela Miovska
My Quiet Spot

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